CRAFTING AN ARROW

CRAFTING AN ARROW

Gillian G. Edube

If I was to write about parenting I would only do my shortcomings in this area.

Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward." That's a nice, warm, safe verse.

I always catch myself flowing with days and years and as I am there Non intentional in many ways, they are growing.

Hey just minute then vs 4 say: "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth."

Think about those words. The psalmist refers to children as an arrow—a weapon! And that is no mistake.

God has great plans for our children. Arrows are not meant to be kept safe in the quiver. He wants us to eventually release that arrow to make an impact on our world with the love of Christ.

And guess who gets to be the primary "crafter" of the arrow? ME and YOU.

MY STORY:

I was raised by a single mum (who I respect so much) I always

Vividly recall myself thinking how she was so mean, tough and a disciplinarian. Do I think that even now? She was so intentional in instilling some values in me which were very painful then but now I look and see how important it was.

Hard work was a non negotiable value that was instilled through working hard for what I earned even when she could afford.

We had a house help but we had to do house chores and sometimes she would rest while I did the house chores in the presence of my mum.

We had all our basic needs met comfortably but she made us learn how to sacrifice to be able to achieve in life.

“Memories of how we built our house are still fresh as she made us part of it by having to declare what we were willing to sacrifice to have the house completed. Being very eager to have our home we made our menu thinner and had no new clothes for some time. How much savings from that would build a house”?

She involved us in planning& budgeting for our house expenditures and if bills were high we were all involved in ensuring that they come down. She purchased in bulk yet that didn’t mean we misuse but we would have dates written on each item and she would help us understand that that product was meant to stay for a certain period and if it got finished we would have to wait. If you received pocket money it was because you had budgeted for the whole term up to transport back home and a loaf of bread for bringing home every closing day. She always said “you don’t come home empty handed”.

She once discovered that I was taking life for granted and I was even boasting how rich we were, she humbled my proud spirit by letting me aware that we had no money to pay my fees and I needed to go to school without school fees and just like other kids I would try to negotiate like other needy children did, I cried but yes I lined up to see the headmistress and ask to stay in school without fee, they had talked over it and the headmistress made it so hard for me, I totally learnt my lesson on Humility .

I have several friends who think that because they suffered a lot they would like to give their best to their children, I totally agree with that and I always feel the same.

QUE: Did your suffering produce any character and values that would have otherwise not been impacted?

I learnt contentment through several times that I had to explain why I needed something, mostly it would be influence from friends. If my reasons were genuine then she provided and of they were not I didn’t get it.

Was she intentional? I don’t know.

She exposed me to all manner of skills some of which I thought were demeaning my identity. On my high school break I had to learn tailoring, knitting and even the local grinding porridge styles using a stone. She always said “You never know when you will need this skills, it doesn’t harm to learn them”. I learnt how to repair my clothes before asking for a new one. After my high school during the break before joining university she got a job for me and asked me to rent a house and see if I would manage life alone with little supervision. That was daring of her, yet I know what it meant.

Am i a perfect kid? Not at all, but I know that she was intentional in instilling values and characters that would help me when I flew away. And yes I now look back and see the impact.

Children need to take calculated risks to mature. Unfortunately, most parents often view struggle as a negative thing. We’ve created a world of convenience, filled with smartphones, microwaves and the Internet. The message is that struggles and discomfort are to be avoided. Really??

We’ve recognized the value of self-esteem but forget that it should be strengthened through challenges.

What we fail to see is that when we remove struggles from our children’s lives, we begin to render them helpless. They lose the opportunity to develop resilience, creativity and problem-solving skills — important strengths they’ll need later on.

ARROWS

Like I said earlier parents have a privilege to together with God do the crafting of the arrows that God puts in our quivers.

Any arrow to be useful must have a shaft, fletching (feathers), a nock (the groove at the end of the arrow into which the bow string fits), and a point. If all of these four are made well, the result is an effective arrow, beautifully designed for impact. These four qualities give us four clear goals to pursue as we craft our children. Nearly every issue or trap our children will encounter can be linked to a young person's need in one of four areas.

1. The arrow's shaft: identity

The making of a fine arrow begins with the shaft. Obviously, since every other part of the arrow must attach to the shaft, this part of the arrow is a lot like a child's identity. If a child's self concept is warped—not straight and strong—his flight in life may be wobbly.

The Scripture records the story of God giving man and woman an identity. The nation of Israel was selected, adopted and set apart by God to be "His people." Every person is born with a unique, divinely-imprinted identity. If we want to properly guide our children to a healthy self identity, we must acknowledge and support the Creator's design in three key areas: spiritual identity, emotional identity, and sexual identity. We must also communicate with them one of the most important messages they will ever receive—"You are made in the image of God. You are one valuable child."

2. The arrow's feathers: character

Why do arrows have those feathers at the back end?

The feathers or fletching create drag when the arrow is in flight, which keeps the back end of the arrow behind the front end—a pretty important function! It also stabilizes the arrow as it flies to its target. An arrow without good fletching is undependable and dangerous. If an arrow has the right kind of feathers, properly installed, it will fly straight. We think character has the same effect on a child.

From Genesis to Revelation, character development is a major theme of God's work in people. And it's one of the major assignments God gives us as parents. Character is how your child responds to authority and life's circumstances. It is "response-ability," and comes as a result of training our children to submit to God and His Word.

3. The arrow's nock: relationships

All of the pent-up power in a bow is of no value if it cannot be effectively transferred. That's why every arrow, at the rear of the shaft, has a small groove that holds the bowstring. This is called the nock. The nock keeps the arrow in place on the string until the power is released.

The nock can be compared to the third core ingredient necessary in a child's life: relationships. When someone's life intersects with God and with people, a power transfer occurs. None of us was intended to make a journey through life alone. We need the strength, comfort, encouragement, resources, and power provided by God and others.

Try teaching truth without a relationship with your child. It produces rebellion. Similarly, relationships without truth can result in a self-indulgent teen, one who is spoiled.

Children also need parents who will build into them the ability to love others. And this training can occur quite naturally in the context of our relationship. The best school to learn about relationships and resolving conflict is in the University of Family, where the professors teach and train their students for more than eighteen years.

4. The arrow's point: mission

Our finely-crafted arrow is nearly complete. Only the front end of the shaft needs a finishing touch—a point.

The point of the arrow reminds us of the last essential quality we want to craft in a child: Every person needs a reason to live, a driving passion or calling that provides meaning and impact. This is a person's mission.

We need to ask ourselves, "Have I more passion for the values of this world's system than for the things of God? What are my goals in life—are they ones I want my child to copy?"

Every child should be helped to understand that life is a dynamic relationship with God that overflows in love to other people—a love that the Holy Spirit uses to reconcile the lost to God. Everything else, as good or innocuous as it may be, is only a prop to facilitating this mission.

NEW ERA.

We are in a different generation and with it comes new challenges and being a parent in this era is challenging. Unlike olden days when a child belonged to the community and there were values and communal practices that helped children grow in a balanced way, we now live in an in secure era, everyone for themselves, and parents are too busy while technology is taking their place with all new trends.

So I wonder how then do I do parenting in this era?

I love hanging around older women and recently am hanging around one Linda Heesch who has a daughter almost my age. And together we keep discussing these things.

Need to ask God for wisdom on how to be involved in crafting the babies in my hands

Prayer: God being the one who formed these children knows them better than we do and so we have to have Him lead us. Involving God in our daily walk as we craft the arrows. He alone knows what they are going to be and so ours is to allow ourselves to be involved in crafting them.

One but Not the same :Though born from one womb children are so different and no one should treat them the same. Each child responds differently to different situations including disciplining and parents must learn to discern how to deal with them as individuals. What works for one will not necessarily work for another. I have seen this in my 6 years and 4 years children. Mine is to go back to their maker and ask for wisdom in dealing with them.

What Values: sit down and write the exact values that you want to see in the children in future. For those values to be formed what posture you need to take and what do you need to be doing now.

At this point the question is “do you more passion for the values of this world's system than for the things of God? What are your goals in life—are the ones you want your child to copy?"

Speak same language : the children need to hear same things from both parents. Tendencies to have differing opinions give the children an opportunity to play with the parents minds. Always have one stand as a couple no matter what! Especially on disciplining and other life values.

Trust in Jesus : Prayerfully helping them to look up to God who provides all our needs in Christ Jesus , even when we have money for something we letting them pray and trust the Lord and they know that God can use many ways of answering. Whatever family need there is letting them be part of prayer for it and see God answering it and giving thanks together.

E.g few years ago our son needed a bicycle and we started praying about it and after some months a friend of ours brought him a bicycle and his faith was so lifted.

Stick to it: Learning that you don’t have to always get what you ask for. No is an answer as well. When we go shopping with them as we enter we remind ourselves what we are looking for and then when temptations come we sometimes yield but usually hope that we can stick to our budget. This is not just for shopping but whatever standard that we establish we should be careful not to fall short of it in implementation.

Choices with consequences: learn to present choices for children so they get to learn how to make choices and if not too bad let them go through some consequences. That way when they grow up they will be firm to make decisions and even bear the consequences. Scripture reminds us to count it joy when we fall into trials, for this kind of testing produces endurance. We’re then encouraged to allow endurance to have its full effect (James 1:2-4). When we continually step in to control our kids’ levels of risk, they don’t learn how to be in control or under control. In fact, all they learn is how to be controlled or how to seek help every step of the way.

PREPARING FUTURE FOR KIDS VS PREPARING THE KIDS FOR THE FUTURE

Which of this is right? I think that there needs to be a balance between preparing the future and preparing the children. In modern day we see lots of energy invested in preparing children’s future, parents have schemes/savings for education till campus, parents building houses not just for them but for each of the children. The bible is clear on leaving an inheritance and I totally agree.

But the trend we see now is that upon handing over the inheritance to the children since they don’t know the value they squander it in months and what parents worked so hard to earn is destroyed. Children know that they don’t need to work hard anymore because their parents are!

Does the inheritance have to be material?

The Bible definitely supports the idea of parents leaving their material possessions/wealth/property to their children. At the same time, parents should not feel obligated to save up everything for their children’s inheritance, neglecting themselves in the process. It should never be a matter of guilt or obligation. Rather, it should be an act of love, a final way of expressing your love and appreciation to children. Most important, however, is the parents’ responsibility to make sure children are aware of the inheritance they will receive if they follow Christ.

Parents are to teach their children about God's expectations (Deuteronomy 6:6-7; Ephesians 6:4) and bring their children to Christ (Mark 10:14). In this way, parents can provide for their children in the greatest way possible.

We must move from being a helicopter parent — hovering, guarding, keeping a tight hold, perhaps manipulating and controlling — to being a “lighthouse parent.” Giving space for kids to learn while offering safety

A lighthouse stays in one location, and it’s a beacon that has ongoing communication with passing ships. A lighthouse reveals its location; it warns mariners of danger and provides wise guidance — but it won’t chase down the ships. How does the analogy apply to parenting? Here are the differences in a nutshell:

Helicopter Parents

Hover and control
Follow kids around
Tell them how to behave
Impose rules and regulations

Lighthouse Parents

Check in and communicate
Won’t chase kids down to enforce rules
Let them know where they stand
Offer wisdom (light) and guidance

Why do parents hover?

Helicopter parenting can develop for a number of reasons. Here are four common triggers.

Fear of dire consequences
A low grade, not making the team, or not getting a certain job can appear disastrous to a parent, especially if it seems it could be avoided with parental involvement. But, says Deborah Gilboa, M.D., founder of AskDoctorG.com, "many of the consequences [parents] are trying to prevent--unhappiness, struggle, not excelling, working hard, no guaranteed results--are great teachers for kids and not actually life-threatening. It just feels that way."

Feelings of anxiety
Worries about the economy, the job market, and the world in general can push parents toward taking more control over their child's life in an attempt to protect them. "Worry," Dr. Daitch says, "can drive parents to take control in the belief that they can keep their child from ever being hurt or disappointed."

Overcompensation
Adults who felt unloved, neglected, or ignored as children can overcompensate with their own children. Excessive attention and monitoring are attempts to remedy a deficiency the parents felt in their own upbringing.

Peer pressure from other parents
When parents see other over involved parents, it can trigger a similar response. "Sometimes when we observe other parents over parenting or being helicopter parents, it will pressure us to do the same," Dr. Daitch says. "We can easily feel that if we don't immerse ourselves in our children's lives, we are bad parents. Guilt is a large component in this dynamic."

What are the consequences of helicopter parenting?

Many helicopter parents start off with good intentions. "It is a tricky line to find, to be engaged with our children and their lives, but not so enmeshed that we lose perspective on what they need," Dr. Gilboa says. Engaged parenting has many benefits for a child, such as increasing feelings of love and acceptance, building self-confidence, and providing guidance and opportunities to grow. "The problem is that, once parenting becomes governed by fear and decisions based on what might happen, it is hard to keep in mind all the things kids learn when we are not right next to them or guiding each step," Dr. Gilboa explains. "Failure and challenges teach kids new skills, and, most important, teach kids that they can handle failure and challenges."

Decreased confidence and self-esteem. "The main problem with helicopter parenting is that it backfires," Dr. Dunnewold says. "The underlying message [the parent's] overinvolvement sends to kids, however, is 'my parent doesn't trust me to do this on my own,' [and this leads] to a lack of confidence."

Undeveloped coping skills. If the parent is always there to clean up a child's mess--or prevent the problem in the first place--how does the child ever learn to cope with loss, disappointment, or failure? Studies have found that helicopter parenting can make children feel less competent in dealing with the stresses of life on their own.

Increased anxiety. A study from the University of Mary Washington has shown that overparenting is associated with higher levels of child anxiety and depression.

Sense of entitlement. Children who have always had their social, academic, and athletic lives adjusted by their parents to best fit their needs can become accustomed to always having their way and thus they develop a sense of entitlement.

Undeveloped life skills. Parents who always tie shoes, clear plates, pack lunches, launder clothes, and monitor school progress, even after children are mentally and physically capable of doing the task, prevent their children from mastering these skill themselves.

How can you avoid being a helicopter parent?

So how can a parent love and care for their children without inhibiting their ability to learn important life skills? Dr. Gilboa offers this advice: "As parents, we have a very difficult job. We need to keep one eye on our children now--their stressors, strengths, emotions--and one eye on the adults we are trying to raise. Getting them from here to there involves some suffering, for our kids as well as for us." In practical terms, this means letting children struggle, allowing them to be disappointed, and when failure occurs, helping them to work through it. It means letting your children do tasks that they are physically and mentally capable of doing. Making your 3-year-old's bed isn't hovering. Making your 13-year-old's bed is. As Dr. Gilboa says, "Remembering to look for opportunities to take one step back from solving our child's problems will help us build the reliant, self-confident kids we need."

Light house parenting includes

Love without conditions: Loving your kids without conditions gives them the security they need to have enough confidence to get through the difficulties of life. It's important to note that unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional approval. You still need to set high standards for behavior, which helps kids form strong character and morals. You love them but don't always love their behaviors -- it's important to differentiate between the two.
Set the right kind of high expectations: Set realistic goals that can be met, emphasizing stretching for that next level; focus on effort, not performance; embrace the ups and downs, which are both necessary steps when pursuing success.

Be protective, not overprotective: Cultivate trust, which serves to protect, but don't smother; allow mistakes to be made but within your protective gaze to balance risk and safety (take off the training wheels but be there just in case).

Nurture coping skills: Offer a "lap and and a listening ear" to encourage your child to talk about feelings and problems; help children identify problems, and think about ways of taking on the issue; teach good self-regulation skills including ways to reduce stress like breathing Kids won't learn life lessons, whether good or bad, if they don't get a chance to experience them firsthand. Your kids need to fall or fail -- not always win or succeed. It's part of life and helps teach resilience. It's important to note that as their "lighthouse" you should protect them against challenges that are not age-appropriate or may cause serious harm.

Cultivate communication: Maintain calmness when listening (too much emotion can shut kids down), and don't rush to judge (which can undermine the sense of unconditional love); when talking to your child avoid the overuse of "you" (e.g., "You did this ... you did that") which can sound like blame, rather use "I" (e.g., "I was worried because ...) which promotes empathy.

Richard Rende Parenting.com, the Huffington Post, the Wall Street Journal, Yahoo!, Time.com, CNN, MSNBC, ABC News, and NPR.

Our total dependence on God for these kids in vital because Except the LORD build the house, they labor in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman wakes but in vain. Prayerfully doing what you can and allowing God to do the rest. How they turn out is his responsibility.

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