GET BEHIND ME IMPOSTER SYNDROME !!

This was a journal entry (First year of doctoral studies)2020.

These few days, my identity has significantly been put to the test. So these days, as I interact with professors, I notice my academic inadequacies not directly but by how I finally have no contribution to make.

I mean, I feel I have no voice. I interact with top scholars (authors) and my own professors, and I feel like a grasshopper. 

  There are areas in my life; I have had outstanding contributions to make, and I discovered those make me feel "great." They bring a sense of intellectual strength that I take pride in. e.g., My previous job. 

 On the other hand, I am now noticing despair moments as I feel inferior for not knowing or even my lack of synthesizing ideas. 

In both times (when feeling knowledgeable and inadequate), I am absorbed in chasing some value in me and defining my identity. A recent article by velvet ashes got me reflecting on how often I lose sight of Christ and get absorbed in myself. My pride (When I feel I know so much)  and inferiority(when I feel I bring nothing to the table)seem to define me.

I am a child of God.  

God defines me as His beloved one, who is cherished; I can confidently step out aware that it's not on my strength but His. I am already loved, and I won't be loved more or less. I belong, and I will bring who I am to the table. I will not compare but will contrast myself. Because it's enough to be a child of God.  My shame, pride, comparison, deficiencies, and inadequacies I bring to Him, my Lord. My gaze is fixed only on Him, who is my all-sufficiency.

  I only want to stretch myself to the tremendous capacity and invitation and hope He can use "what I am becoming" for his glory.

 I am glad that while I am Work In Progress, He can still use me. 

GILLIAN